Getting There

So yet another bout with depression, I think it happens every time I meet with Qiqi. Actually last Monday I thought it would be strange but it went quite well, however on Thursday I was tired and it she got me talking about how unhappy I was and sure enough it got bad again. On the positive side things have been getting better since. I have not been sleeping well for the last month and as a result my body is falling apart. My lymph nodes are huge, my body aches all the time, I've got these sores on my tongue and one in my nose, yoga just about killed me last weekend - horrible. However, Saturday night when I lay down to sleep I sweat the sheets through which I think means that whatever funk I've got in me is is on its way out. I couldn't say I am 100 percent but I am a lot better than I was before the weekend began. My horoscope says to indulge a little to feel better, so I took a nap this morning, I hope that'll suffice.

SO anyway, my mood is taking a change for the better as I am getting more energized to do things that please me. I have also thought in my head about approaching my bosses and discussing ym situation and how I do not feel it is fair and it effects my ability to work knowing about my benefits package compared to everyone elses'. I think this has always been a big issue with me is that I lack self confidence and consequently do not do well. Having my wife constantly tell me I'm bad and then running off and cheating on was a pretty significant blow and really even though it's been a year now I have not completely recovered. But enough about her. I spoke to Helen last night, not about specifics but about how I want to make her a more integral part of my life, which means I may say things that frighten her but that's how she gets close to me. t's odd, when she is away I think of a lot of things I want to say to her but when she is near I feel at peace, like everything is alright and I feel like saying anything is unnecessary. Just be with her.

Right now is a pretty pivotal point. The reason I am writing this today is because I want to get myself on track to do some good work this summer. Last summer things got filled up pretty quick and with everything that was going on in my life as well as all the things I had to manage I never really got going before work started again. This year I hope not to make that same mistake. But to do this I have to now, the first day of the first week of vacation, I need to make it happen. Mind you I am going on a trip tomorrow, but that is how I make it happen. Something a couple of people have said to me over the past few days is that I want things that I am not capable of having. This has something to do with my career and vocation, right. Chen Ou said to me once "You are a paradox, you like teaching but you are not a teacher, you like art but you are not an artist, you want to love but your heart has been broken so you can't". I think this explains it in a big way. I can recall when I was in Korea that I had a very good understanding of myself. I recall commenting to Chuck that the older I get the less afraid of things I am and the less things bother me. He told me usually it is the opposite with people. I have become those people, I am now intimidated and not sure how to act, mostly because I am not sure who I am, which results in me goofing off a lot of the time. To make it worse I get depressed because nothing gets done and I have accomplished little in the last few years. So I have to remedy this by sorting myself out and being that person. It make take me a bit but at least I can see the path I need to take, no matter how late it is. Ok well I hope this provides sufficient start. Now it is time to get to work/.