Getting There

So yet another bout with depression, I think it happens every time I meet with Qiqi. Actually last Monday I thought it would be strange but it went quite well, however on Thursday I was tired and it she got me talking about how unhappy I was and sure enough it got bad again. On the positive side things have been getting better since. I have not been sleeping well for the last month and as a result my body is falling apart. My lymph nodes are huge, my body aches all the time, I've got these sores on my tongue and one in my nose, yoga just about killed me last weekend - horrible. However, Saturday night when I lay down to sleep I sweat the sheets through which I think means that whatever funk I've got in me is is on its way out. I couldn't say I am 100 percent but I am a lot better than I was before the weekend began. My horoscope says to indulge a little to feel better, so I took a nap this morning, I hope that'll suffice.

SO anyway, my mood is taking a change for the better as I am getting more energized to do things that please me. I have also thought in my head about approaching my bosses and discussing ym situation and how I do not feel it is fair and it effects my ability to work knowing about my benefits package compared to everyone elses'. I think this has always been a big issue with me is that I lack self confidence and consequently do not do well. Having my wife constantly tell me I'm bad and then running off and cheating on was a pretty significant blow and really even though it's been a year now I have not completely recovered. But enough about her. I spoke to Helen last night, not about specifics but about how I want to make her a more integral part of my life, which means I may say things that frighten her but that's how she gets close to me. t's odd, when she is away I think of a lot of things I want to say to her but when she is near I feel at peace, like everything is alright and I feel like saying anything is unnecessary. Just be with her.

Right now is a pretty pivotal point. The reason I am writing this today is because I want to get myself on track to do some good work this summer. Last summer things got filled up pretty quick and with everything that was going on in my life as well as all the things I had to manage I never really got going before work started again. This year I hope not to make that same mistake. But to do this I have to now, the first day of the first week of vacation, I need to make it happen. Mind you I am going on a trip tomorrow, but that is how I make it happen. Something a couple of people have said to me over the past few days is that I want things that I am not capable of having. This has something to do with my career and vocation, right. Chen Ou said to me once "You are a paradox, you like teaching but you are not a teacher, you like art but you are not an artist, you want to love but your heart has been broken so you can't". I think this explains it in a big way. I can recall when I was in Korea that I had a very good understanding of myself. I recall commenting to Chuck that the older I get the less afraid of things I am and the less things bother me. He told me usually it is the opposite with people. I have become those people, I am now intimidated and not sure how to act, mostly because I am not sure who I am, which results in me goofing off a lot of the time. To make it worse I get depressed because nothing gets done and I have accomplished little in the last few years. So I have to remedy this by sorting myself out and being that person. It make take me a bit but at least I can see the path I need to take, no matter how late it is. Ok well I hope this provides sufficient start. Now it is time to get to work/.

The Ride

Ok so I was going through the magazine Milk this morning and it inspired me. Also I was thinking about a meeting I had with Carissa and I feel like there is another possible direction. I got a response from a gallery in Shanghai and I think there is an option - I got really apathetic at school today, I should be working now, but I am not, I am planning. I need to write this so I have a clear head. Qiqi continues to make me sad and unhappy, the couple of days I didn't speak with her I was much better. Last evening Elliot and Zhu Kun came over and we smoked some grass and played some blues, it was quite nice, I wish we were in Jiang Hu or another small, wooden club. There are some important things to get done this weekend - some of it playing. I wish Helen were back, I am going to eliminate Qiqi from my phone again. Up next, the To Do list:

• Tidy up classroom
• Get triangles made for bedroom scene
• Get money transferred to China Merchants
• Correct reports
• Pick up HSK Score
• Respond to m97 and see about how to get an interview there
• Keep looking for jobs in Shanghai - start with galleries
• Study more Chinese
• Meet with Joel, Leng Du and Charlie tonight and tomorrow
• Show Leng Du what you are interested in as far as 'fashion' photography
  
• Brainstorm GTB - "Home is where the art is."
• Collect photos of cafe racers
• Print Moob and Negative
  

Getting it Together

I am just finishing checking the email for today and I have, at last sat down to do some work although I am kind of at a loss as to what I need to do(it's because there is too much). I about crashed emotionally, physically and mentally last week and as a result I said I need to relx in the next week, which I have been doing. Anyway I said I would use my blog really for myself, keeping track of the things I need to do and things I have done. It's looking like this: Stay on the Tibet trip, contijue writing reports, for now I am not going to do anything about the band, let it take care of itself. I also have to be looking for other work, this middle school teaching thing is getting to be a drag. Although last Friday was fun, we had some guys fro Lomo come over and make light graffiti with the students, the photo above in one example.



Making art should be very important for me right now. I was visiting with Sun Lian Gang last week because Charlie is in town. It made me realize how much I can love/hate/enjoying being in the art community. Leng Du and I talked about making photos together, I just have to pin her down on a time. Ok well there you go I guess I know where I have to get to work.

pieces

I have had this obsession with collage images recently. My own of course. I started making these books about a year or so ago, using recycled materials in the classrooms and the books just became works of art in themselves. I say it's an obsession because I can hardly keep my hands off of them. Whenever I done with a magazine I peruse through it looking for images I like, usually it's fashion but also there is a lot of finding an image and adding either meaning or adding an aspect to change the image in one way or another. Most of the time, after I manufacture a book I begin by putting some images into the book in a regular, but not thought out order. Then I just vamp off of that. Adding drawings, other images or just doodles and let the book take shape itself. At times I will even allow my students to add to it (sometimes they do this without asking but I just let it go there is a nice natural growth to the whole process).

I like to turn these into money in one form or another. The natural inclination is to make these works of art that can be sold, but really I don't have enough of a reputation for that. really like I would like to develop these into a graphic design language of my own. Have people who want these sort of rough pasted and drawn things to be used in advertisements, posters, whatever. I am meeting with my friend Joel sometime int he near future to talk about this (although he doesn't know this yet, but I did say I wanted to bounce some creative ideas off of him). I want to be a creative consultant of sorts. When I was writing my paper this past spring I thought "Yes I will become a master of images" We live in a an image based society these days, with apps and the internet and I have even taken a liking to photography again, so why not push it, make it something more than just a lark, which is what is now.

One of the reasons I really stick with it is because I am compelled to do it and that is in effect the way that points to good art making. I am not patient enough to study anything deeply. I have a lot of good ideas but not enough time to work on them all, so things I am compelled to do, I stick with. Enjoy the image above.

Job

So I decided to brainstorm what I want from a new job here, instead of in my book. I am really tired of teaching, at least at this school. I have talked to another teacher or two and they say BCIS is a bit over the top. Anyway, it has inspired the desire to teach right out of me. Especially as they give me a less than fair dal - providing other teachers an apartment and travel allowance but not I - because I am local. It really makes me depressed honestly and I'd like to just fuck 'em

So what do I want to do. I want to work with the arts, I want to have a design gallery or art gallery or work for an arts foundation. I want to make art and design, I want to write about it, talk about it, attend events to look at it. But I also want it to be pragmatic, I want to accomplish things that people use, enjoy, not just art for art's sake. I want to make money. Maybe a cultural foundation. National Endowment for the Humanities. I want to live in a place I like I do not want to live in Ohio ever again - sorry friends in Ohio - I just can't do it. I have looked at Singapore but sadly all I have done is look, I haven't really had the chance to do anything about it. I need to make more connections and think my ideas and thoughts out better. One of things that drives me nuts about this job is that I never get to work on anything for longer than an hour, I am always switching duties and that is just not good for my personality. I need and like focus I want to make more money - did I say that?

Week in Preview

I am just going to write my week in preview - like I do most Mondays - but instead of my book this time I am going to use my blog. Let's see - last week I got a bit done with the scanning slides and I have even started to get them into digital format so I can transfer them to screens - it would be nice to have a quicker pace but I have been so busy these days that I rarely get a longer than an hour or so to work on something. The photography/lomo article is still in its outline stage and I really do need to pay a little attention to that before it falls by the wayside and the Tibet trip needs finalizing. Rehearsal went well and I must check with the rest of the group to see where we are practicing. Don't forget that there is the event at Landgent tonight and make arrangements to repair the motorcycle and go see Charlie on Wednesday. Get the Lomo guys in here and maybe Leng Du for a photography workshop with the students - light graffiti! There is assessment that needs to be done, I want to retake the HSK (check on your results of the last test, and while you're at it check the grade you recieved from HUX). Which leads me to the next point, what classes are available this summer and next fall. Get yourself a credit card and pay down you bills. Units need reflecting on and start designing that free for all t shirt - in fact buy more blank t shirts.

Ok well that's the list, I would like to come back to my blog to check on my list and leave my book for drawing this week. BTW - if you are actually reading this, then check out my Lomo Home - it's fun!